Steven Wright

Bekannte Zitate von Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

How young can you die of old age?

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.